


Gay Bar

by VampireVengence



Category: Bring Me The Horizon, You Me At Six
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Drugs, Fransykes - Freeform, Gay Bar, Gay Sex, M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 21:19:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 12,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1526168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireVengence/pseuds/VampireVengence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Max decides Josh needs to get layd and everything changes from there. (If you happen to come across my wattpad and get confused this story is called 'little bit of truth' on there and this is actually two oneshots (gay bar p 1 & 2) and a fic.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Your's or Mine?

I sat at the bar as I watched Max dance. I still couldn’t believe he was making me do this.

 

_*Flashback*_

_“Come on Josh it’s be fun!” I sighed. “I am not doing it Max.” He groaned. “Why not?! We need to get you layd, you've been such a whiny bitch recently! Why not have a laugh whilst we’re at it?” I rolled my eyes. “A gay bar though, seriously?” He laughed. “Well duuuh! That’s where all the gay people are!” I shook my head. “Not all gay people go to gay bars, can’t we just go to a regular bar?” He shook his head. “No way! If we go to a normal bar we can’t guaranty that you’ll meet anyone, you've got a better chance of meeting someone at a gay bar. Besides, even if you did meet someone you liked you’re way too much of a pussy to say anything anyway! At least this way we can hope for someone with the balls to hit on you.” I sighed in defeat. “Fiiine.”_

_*End of Flashback*_

 

So that’s how I found myself sat at the bar of a gay nightclub watching Max whilst he was on the dance floor, completely oblivious to all the guys who were trying to pick him up. I couldn't help but laugh at his cluelessness. _B_ _less._ “Can I get you anything hon?” I turned to see what had to be the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen. Short brown hair and warm brown eyes with a crooked smile that I couldn’t help but return. “Another beer please.” He nodded and took my glass. “You don’t seem overly impressed….” He said as he poured my drink and handed it to me. “My friend dragged me hear so that I could get a hook up for the evening.” I took a sip of my beer. “What’s wrong with that?” He sounded genuinely curious. I shrugged. “I’m just not the hook up kinda guy.” He nodded in understanding. “You’re the commitment type.” I nodded and took another gulp of beer. He smiled again. “Don’t worry about it, it’s not for everyone.”

I watched as a butch, skinhead started grinding up against a wide eyed Max who started mouthing to me to help him. I chuckled and shook my head, he got himself into this so he could get himself out. Mr sexy barman chuckled. “He is soooo straight.” I grinned and shook my head at the helpless Max.

He went off to serve some other people whilst I sat watching as more and more guys started joining Max on the dance floor, he was pretty much trapped. “Hey cutey.” I looked up to see I had been joined by a girl, bright green eyes and curly brown hair; I guess she was probably considered to be hot. “Uh, hi.” I said awkwardly. She smiled. “Need some company? I’m only here because my friend didn't want to come by herself and she’s already left me for another chick!” I chuckled. “I’m here because my friend decided this was the best way for me to get a hook up so dragged me here.” She attempted a seductive smile. “Oh really?” She placed a hand on my knee. “You know, I am totally okay with bi guys.” She said as she started to move her hand slowly up my inner thigh. “I can do you one better.” I said in an attempt to stop her roaming hand. “I know a straight guy.”

She raised an eyebrow as her hand continued to go higher and higher up my leg. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!_ I caught Max’s eye and made a large come here sign which he looked highly grateful for as he now had an excuse to escape. “Problem?” He asked as he noticed my situation and poorly hid his amusement. “This is Max.” I said turning to the girl “My **straight** friend.” She looked him up and down before extending a hand. “Tanya.” They soon disappeared but not before telling me. “If you don’t leave here tonight with at least one phone number I WILL set you up on an online dating website and force you out on the dates.” I felt my eyes grow wide as I watched him walk away. _Crap!_

I downed the rest of my drink as I scanned the room for anyone interesting. A piece of paper was slipped in front of me and glanced up to see that the gorgeous barman was back. “Save your arse with your friend.” He said with a wink. I smiled and glanced at the piece of paper with his number on it before slipping it into my pocket. “Oli.” He said as he extended his arm. “Josh.” I replied as I shook his highly tattooed hand.

“You working all night?” I asked partly just to make conversation and partly due to genuine curiosity, I definitely liked this guy. “Nah, my shift finishes at 1:30.” I glanced at my watch. _Fifteen minutes, result!_ “You wanna get a drink when you’re done?” He nodded. “Sure! Don’t go expecting staff discount or anything though, they don’t give us stuff like that.” He grinned. “Ah damn!” I joked. “What’s the point in working in a bar that doesn't give you discount?!” He laughed. “Ah, the pay’s not too bad and it helps to fund the band.” He shrugged. “You’re in a band?” He nodded. “Me and a few mates. It’s only local gigs at the moment but we’re trying.” I nodded. “So what do you do?” I asked. “Chief screamer.” He announced with a small salute which made me giggle. “What’s the name? I’ll have to check you out next time you play.” He blushed slightly at the double entendre “Bring Me The Horizon."

He finished his shift and we spent the evening chatting and laughing, by the time the club shut I had long since lost track of Max. We stood outside chatting a little longer before we finally fell into a comfortable silence. “I suppose I better go.” He said before leaning in and giving me a swift kiss. It was sweet and warm and sent shivers down my spine. “Well mister commitment, I’ll be expecting your call.” He grinned before turning and walking away.

I had a sudden urge to follow after him. _Fuck it. I can’t just let him go, not yet. I don’t want to have to wait to see him again._ I pulled out my phone and the slip of paper and keyed the number into it before pressing the green call button. I watched as his phone rang as he continued to walk. “Hello?” His voice rang out in front of me as well as through the small speaker of my phone. “Is now a good time for you?”

He stopped dead and spun around, phone still pressed to his ear. I smiled and gave a small shrug as I hung up the call he walked back over to me smiling his cute smile and bent down to kiss me again. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me as our lips moved against one another and our tongues fought for dominance. I pulled away slightly breathless and grinning uncontrollably. “Your's or mine?”


	2. I'm Not Easy

He grabbed my wrist and dragged me through the streets to his flat, thankfully it wasn't too far away and unlike myself he lived alone. We reached the block and he called the lift, he lived on the fifth floor of the building so it took a little while to arrive and another while to get back up there. We made out in the lift to pass the time. I seriously cannot get enough of those lips, they’re soft and pink and they taste **amazing.** We reached his floor and thankfully only had to walk a little down the hallway. We barely made it through the doorway and closed it behind us before I was shoving him up against it and pressing my lips back against his fiercely. He responded instantly, slipping his tongue into my mouth and exploring. I let mine do the same and we stayed like that for a while, my hands slipped under his t-shirt feeling the tight muscles of his stomach. He bit my lip making me moan into his mouth, he smiled before pulling away and resting his forehead against my own.

We stood like that panting and I got slightly lost in his beautiful brown eyes. “Tea?” I couldn't help but burst out laughing, he giggled too which was adorable. “What’s so funny?” He quirked an eyebrow. “You just asked me if I want tea.” I lent back against the back of his sofa as I tried to calm myself down. “Yeah, what’s wrong with that?” He placed a hand either side of me on the top of the sofa back and lent in close. I swallowed. “Do you really want tea right now?” I asked. He grinned. “No but you’re the one who likes commitment.” He shrugged. “Offering tea counts as a commitment?” I laughed as he rolled his eyes. “I’m being a good host. I could have just bent you over the table and been done with it by now.” I lent forward so that our noses were touching and raised my own eyebrow. “You really think it’s that easy?” Before he could process that I shoved him lightly backward and ran off.

The flat was set out in a similar way to my own so it didn't take long to find his bedroom; unlike my own it was actually tidy (another reason we hadn't gone back to mine). I dived on the bed and hid under the covers like a kid. “Hmmm, I wonder where Josh has gone.” He said putting on a sarcastic, singsong voice like when you’re playing hide and seek with a small child who keeps giggling and has their feet poking visibly out from behind the curtain. Out of nowhere he jumped on me causing me to flail and squeal rather girlishly. This put him into a fit of hysterics. “Oh my god you are such a girl!” He gasped between giggles. I shoved him lightly but due to his lack of balance he fell onto the carpeted floor with a thud. He gasped and smirked devilishly up at me before pouncing on me like a wild cat. “Naughty Josh.” He practically purred in my ear.

He pinned me to the bed before kissing up and down my neck. I gasped as he hit my soft spot and I felt him smile against my neck before he basically attacked it in a wave of teeth, lips and tongue. Boy did that feel good. I moaned out a lot whilst he did this which only seemed to encourage him. He made his way along my jaw and I moved my head back to give him better access. He chuckled before murmuring. “I told you. Easy peasy.” He reconnected our lips and I took the opportunity to role us over. I straddled his hips and whispered in his ear. “I’m not easy.” He giggled again which was seriously adorable. I reconnected our lips and started to grind my hips against his, he moaned into my mouth which was a glorious sound. I felt one hand in my hair and the other on my hip.

We stayed like that for a few minutes before he pulled away gasping. “For someone who’s not into this kind of thing you’re pretty good at this.” I smirked before running my tongue along some of the tattoos on his neck causing him to moan softly.He grabbed at the hem of my shirt and pulled it up and over my head, his hand running over my bare chest. I unbuttoned his shirt as I reconnected our lips and threw it on the floor. I felt him smile into it as his hands trailed lower. He pushed me onto my back and started kissing down my chest, I couldn't help but marvel at all of his tattoos, he was covered!

His tongue trailed along my hairline where the waistband of my boxers was. I pulled him up so that our lips were together once more as he started to fumble with my belt, I helped him out a little before flipping us back over and removing his. He reached over to the bed side table and fumbled around in the draw, pulling out a silver packet and some lube and handing them over. I quickly pulled off my boxers and slipped on the rubber before coating it in lubricant. He pulled off his own boxers as I bent down and kissed him once more.

I pulled away and lined my member up with his entrance. I pushed in slowly until I was in the whole way, I stilled for a moment as he relaxed before moving in and out. I sped up as he started to moan softly, he groaned louder and louder until he was practically screaming my name. I started to moan myself as I got closer to my climax I grabbed at his member and started pumping in time with my thrusts. He moaned impossibly louder and started to rock between my hips and hand. He grabbed at my hair and pulled me down into a deep kiss. He gasped into my mouth as I hit his prostate and it didn't take long after that for him to release all over his stomach and my hand. The feeling of him tightening around me and the glorious sound he made as he climaxed was enough to set off my own. I groaned out his name before pulling out and collapsing next to him.

We lay in a sticky silence whilst breathing heavily. “So, how was your first hook up?” He asked brushing his hand up my arm. I chuckled. "Not too shabby.”  He rolled his eyes but smiled. We fell into a comfortable silence again but I soon broke it. “Does it have to be?” He furrowed his eyebrows. “Does what have to be what?” He asked. “A hook up…” I shrugged awkwardly. He grinned and pulled me in for a sweet kiss. “I guess we’ll just have to see won’t we Mr commitment.” 


	3. Young and In Love

_*6 Months Later*_

 

“EEEK!” I squealed as I was pinned down on the sofa and tickled to death. A pair of gorgeous, soft, pink lips met mine and I sighed, melting into it. Until he started tickling me again, whilst kissing me. I couldn’t scream and I could barely wriggle beneath his skinnier but stronger frame. I was trapped.  _Aww man._ I managed to buck up beneath him, taking him by surprise and making him moan slightly as our crotches brushed each other. “No sex on the sofa you filthy animals!” Max yelled from the adjoining kitchen in our two bedroom flat.

I giggled as I managed to free myself from Oli’s grip and sit up. I crossed my arms across my chest and pouted like a small child as he grinned up at me from where his head was resting on my leg. “Not cool Oliver, not cool.” I told him gaining a playful punch to the gut. “You love me really.” He told me as I ran a hand through his hair. “Someone’s got to.” He poked his tongue out at me as I chuckled. “Don’t you have a gig tonight?” I asked, changing the subject entirely. “Yes! Speaking of which...” He said grabbing his phone and checking the time “I’m going to be late for sound check.” He jumped up and kissed my cheek before bouncing out of the door.

He’d barely been gone two minutes when my phone vibrated. I snatched it up off the table and checked my texts, it was Oli

 

_forgot 2 say I love u before I left so… I LOVE U! ;) xx- O_

 

I couldn’t stop myself grinning like an idiot at my phone whilst I re-read the text. He was always sending me cute little messages like that. For someone who serves drinks in a club and screams in a metal band at every available opportunity he wasn’t very hard core.

“You’re like a love struck teenage girl, you know that?” Max informed me as he wandered back in from the kitchen. I blushed pink as I looked up."Am not!” I know, I know childish right? “You’re sat grinning at your phone! It doesn’t get any more love struck teen than that.” He grinned. “Yeah well…” I paused, trying to think of a decent comeback. "Shut up!” Was the best I could do. He grinned at me and I rolled my eyes, only a little embarrassed. “It’s your fault anyway!” I told him. Technically it was, after all he was the one who’d decided to drag me out to a gay night club so that I could meet someone. “Hey, I only meant for you to get layd. You’re the one who decided to drag it out for six months and fall head over heels for the guy!” I could feel myself blushing again. “Shut up!”

“So where is loverboy now?” He asked. “He had to go to sound check; they’ve got a gig tonight.” He switched on the TV and started flicking through the channels. "Sweet, got the place to myself again tonight then.” He settled on the football, Arsenal vs Chelsea and we were already 2.0 up.  _Come on you goons!_

“Well make the most of it, I’m not gonna be out too late with us going into the studio tomorrow.” He laughed. "I’m glad to hear it! You’re a fucking monster to work with when you’re hung over!” I glared a whole into the side of his head. “You’re such a bully.” I said feigning hurt. “Naaaw poor Joshiepoos!" He crooned making me cringe.  _God damn him._


	4. Gay-dar

Josh pov

 

_Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much. Tell me that you love me 'cause I need you so much. Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much. Say you'll never leave me 'cause I need you so much._

Oli yelled down the microphone at the fairly sized crowd that had gathered in the small bar to see the latest gig, it was getting steadily bigger with every gig they did. With good reason too, they were really good! I know I’m bias but they really were. Bring Me The Horizon where gonna be huge one day.

I smiled to myself as I sat at the bar sipping a beer. He’d written this song for me for our five month anniversary. I was honestly speechless when he’d showed me it. “Hey hansom.” I glanced up to see I’d been joined by a girl in her mid-twenties. Poorly dyed black hair, and a septum ring that reminding me a little of a cow. She’d clearly just come out of the pit as her tight fitting jeans and t-shirt where drenched in sweat and she had makeup running down her face.

She drained half a beer in one gulp before smiling as she watched the stage. “His girlfriends a lucky woman.” She said as her way of commenting on the song. I felt my skin prickle slightly at the assumption but didn't say anything, I wasn't about to cause a scene. “He’s really good.” She said. “He is.” I agreed. “And hot.” She said. “He is.” I said taking another sip of my beer. She gave me a funny sideways look. “How drunk are you?” I chuckled. “First one.” I said indicating the bottle in my hand. “Oh..um…” She stared at me a moment. “Sorry, I didn't realise.” She shook her head. “You don’t give off the queer vibe.” I raised an eyebrow “what’s that supposed to mean?” She blushed. “Sorry that sounded really homophobic. I’m not saying you all skip around like Louis Spence or anything I just mean I’m usually pretty good with the gay-dar.” She said tapping her forehead “I can just usually tell ya know? Like a vibe or something.” I chuckled only making her blush further. “Okay then miss _gay-dar_ I know for a fact there is at least one other gay guy in this room. Can you find him?” She grinned. “Is that a challenge?” I nodded. “That it is.” She extended a hand “Abbey.” I shook it. “Josh.”

She scoured the room with eagle eyes and every so often giving me a hard stare before going back to the crowd. “Here’s a hint.” I said as she fixed me with another look “it’s not me.” She rolled her eyes. “I know that, I’m just trying to see if there’s anyone who looks like they’d be dating you.” I pfft. “You can’t tell who someone’s dating from looks!” She shrugged. “I may be able to narrow it down a bit. Guessing from your taste and appearance I’m thinking someone who’s not obviously gay and has a similar hard-core vibe as Mr Sykes up there.” I laughed as that described a large percentage of the room. And she continued to stare at people furrowing her eyebrows.

The set finished and she sighed. “Nope, I give up.” I grinned “in that case you have to buy me a beer.” She spun around with wide eyes. “Since when?!” I chuckled. “Since now.” She rolled her eyes but obliged sulkily. “Your boyfriend better not get the wrong idea.” I smirked. “I’m sure he’ll be fine. I’m only extorting beer out of helpless fans.” She grinned and shook her head then suddenly you could see the light bulb moment. “Wait, fans?” I raised an eyebrow and sipped at my fresh beer as her eyes grew three times larger. “Yo Abbey!” a girl covered in tattoos with stretched ears yelled. Abbey blinked before fixing me with a stare. “You lucky bastard.” She said before running over to her friend.  _oh I know I am._

“Hey babe.” I smiled as I looked up to see Oli walking over. “Hey rock star!” I joked “you were amazing.” I told him as I pecked his lips. He grinned and chuckled. “I’m glad you think so.” I rolled my eyes. “I keep telling you this! You know if I got someone from our management to come down-” He cut me off. “Jooosh! We've been over this! I appreciate it, really but if we’re gonna do this then it’s going to be under our own steam. We’d rather put in the hard graft than take the easy option and be forever known as some pussy band who only got famous because their vocalist is dating Josh from You Me At Six.” I was about to reply but was interrupted. “Excuse me?” We both turned to see a girl of about sixteen years old with purple hair and a lip ring looking at us curiously. I looked briefly behind her to see two more girls about the same age watching and whispering. “Sorry but are you Josh Franceschi?” I smiled. “That I am.” She grinned and turned to her mates. “I told you it was him!” She cried jumping around excitedly.

I took some pictures and signed some things before they turned to Oli and told him how awesome he was and how amazing his band was and how much they deserved to be huge. Before asking for pictures too. He seemed surprised and more than a little overwhelmed but willingly complied. I chuckled “see! I told you you guys where amazing.” He grinned. “I suppose I've got to get used to that.” I drained the rest of my beer before taking his hand. “Oh believe me, you’ll never get used to it.”


	5. Studio Time

Oli pov

I sat on the sofa of the recording studio with the rest of the You Me At Six boy’s whilst Josh was in the booth.  _Loverboy, you play those hearts like toys. Don’t you feel bad? Don’t you feel bad? Feel for them?_  He sang so beautifully. I smiled fondly as I watch him put everything into it. “Hey man.” Chris said. “Wassup?” I said as he dropped down beside me. “I know this is kind of a big asked but the guy we had to do it bailed at the last minute.” He said. “Okay?” I had no idea what he was getting at. “Would you be able to feature on a track for us?” He asked hopefully, thrusting a sheet of lyrics at me. “I dunno man.” I said as I read over them, they were good I’d give them that. Not that anything less could be expected. “Please? You’d be doing us a massive favour! Plus it could boost your profile a bit without using any of our contacts.” I bit my lip before sighing. “Alright I’ll do it.”

 

 

Josh pov

 _Just forget what you've learned, just forget what you've heard. The truth just confirmed, I can't bear the sight of you anymore._  Oli yelled into the microphone in the booth. “Damn!” Dan said as he wandered over to me. “I know you said he was good but wow!” I smiled. “He’s gonna be huge one day.” I said as Dan chuckled. “Well he’s definitely better than the guy we were gonna have originally.”

We sat around whilst Max went in to record the last little bit before the rough mix was done. I just about finished the song I was writing, I read through it and smiled. I’d written it for Oli. “What’s that?” He asked as he rested his chin on my shoulder reading over it. “A song.” He rolled his eyes. “Nah really?” I chuckled. “Sing it to me?” I smiled before starting

_All I want to do is write a song_   
_one I haven't ever sung before_   
_I don't want to sing the same old thing_   
_it wouldn't mean anything to me_

_All I want to do is write a song_   
_But everything I say just comes out wrong_   
_I guess I'll just throw my thoughts away_   
_Maybe pick them up another day_

_I just lost control_   
_I just wanted you to know_   
_When I'm on my own_   
_I feel invisible_   
_I just lost control_   
_I just needed you to know_   
_When in front of you_   
_I feel invincible_

_I want to write a song that makes you smile_   
_One that keeps you around for a while_   
_I wish for, small things_   
_Like losing, this feeling_   
_I've seen this coming_   
_I've seen you, leaving_

_I just lost control_   
_I just wanted you to know_   
_When I'm on my own_   
_I feel invisible_   
_I just lost control_   
_I just needed you to know_   
_When in front of you_   
_I feel invincible_

_I know I've said and done some things_   
_That've made you feel a little empty_   
_I've got a whole lot to learn_   
_Every bridge I see, I seem to burn so_

_All I've got to do is sing a song_   
_Tell a little truth to everyone_   
_Sick of saying sorry when I'm not_   
_But after a little love that's_   
_That's all I've_   
_That's all I've got_

_I just lost control_   
_I just wanted you to know_   
_When I'm on my own_   
_I feel invisible_   
_I just lost control_   
_I just needed you to know_   
_When in front of you_   
_I feel invincible_   
_Invincible._

He smiled warmly at me and kissed my cheek. “Damn Josh, that’s amazing!” I felt myself blush as I realised that everyone had stopped to listen to me. “Thanks.” At that moment our manager, Graham walked in with pizza for lunch. “Alright lads how’s thing going?” He asked as he dropped the boxes on the table. “Well, we’ve got one fully recorded, one that still needs mixing and lyrics for a third.” Matt told him.  _Oh okay so we’re recording my song now?_  “Well let’s hear what you’ve got so far.”

We played Loverboy and he read through the lyrics for what had now been dubbed ‘Little Bit Of Truth’ as I didn’t have a tittle for it. “I thought you said you had two songs recorded?” I shrugged. “the others still in pre-production.” He shrugged. “May as well hear it anyway whilst I’m here.” So Bite My Tongue came over the speakers. He listened the whole time with a blank expression until Oli’s part came on and he jumped about a foot in the air in surprise making us all crack up laughing. “Was that you kid?” He asked Oli who nodded. “And you are?” He extended a hand “I’m Oli.” Graham smiled. “Josh’s boyfriend?” I felt my cheeks heat up as he smirked at me. I didn’t talk about him  **that** much.

Oli just grinned and nodded. “Well Oli, I gotta say you've got talent. You should be in a band or something! If you’re interested I’m sure I could find you some instrument people or something.” I saw Oli tense ever so slightly like he knew where this was going and he wasn’t happy about it but he had to stay polite so continued with the fake smile. “That’s very kind of you to offer but I’m actually in a band already.” This only spurred Graham on. “Oh excellent, what do you guys call yourselves?” He asked “Bring Me The Horizon.” He nodded “I like it. Well get Josh to send me the details of your next gig and I’ll come down and see you guys in action.”

Oli nodded and thanked him politely and kept up the happy façade until Graham left and then he turned to me and gave me a very pissed off glare. He thought I’d organised all this on purpose. Looks like I’m in trouble. 


	6. The Band Pete Wentz Discovered

Josh pov

He waited until we reached his apartment to have a go. "I thought I told you I didn't want your help." He hissed. "I didn't do anything." He scoffed and I sighed. "I swear I didn't know Graham was coming. None of us did! Besides you featuring on the track had nothing to do with me, if you're gonna have a go at anyone then blame Chris." He sighed and rubbed his temples in small circular motions. "I really don't see what the big deal is. You featured on a track, all it's gonna do is boost your profile a little. Besides Graham just said he wanted to see you guys live, that doesn't really mean squat I'm sorry to say." That sounds mean I know but it's true. Just because someone wants to see your band do a live gig doesn't mean they're going to sign you.

There was a long pause before he continued. "I just don't want to end up being 'that band that's vocalist is dating Josh from You Me At Six' I mean look at Panic! at the Disco. They are forever gonna be 'the band Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy discovered.'" He gave a frustrated sigh. "I get where you're coming from, believe me but you guys are amazing and you are going to be known as a band in your own right no matter what happens. Please just don't be mad at me for something that has nothing to do with me." I watched him carefully and he bit his lip before dropping down on the couch, the anger ebbing away. "I'm sorry Joshie. I'm overreacting, it's not your fault." I sat down next to him and pulled him into a hug. I kissed the top of his head. "It's okay, I forgive you."

We sat like that for a moment before he mumbled. "I never got to say earlier how much I liked the song..." I felt myself starting to blush. "Yeah?" He nodded, his fluffy hair tickling my cheek. "I'm also flattered that I'm so well known by everyone." I groaned. "I don't talk about you that much! They're over exaggerating!" He giggled and pressed a kiss to my cheek. "It's okay you can talk about me if you want! Makes me feel famous." I shoved him lightly and poked my tongue out only to have him laugh more and ruffle my hair. I poked out my bottom lip and he poked it with his finger. "Aww put it away." I rolled my eyes and he pecked my nose before the phone rang.He lent over the arm of the sofa and snatched it up. "Hello? Oh hey Hannah!"

I smiled to myself as I watch his expression brighten. Hannah was his best friend from like childhood so he was always so happy to talk to her. His expression slowly darkened and he looked as though he was going to cry. I felt my stomach twist as I watched him. Something was seriously wrong.


	7. Bad News

Oli pov

The phone rang and I leant over and picked it up "hello?" I asked only to receive a grave "hey Oli." It was Hannah. "Oh hey Hannah!" Hannah was my best friend and had been since childhood. She was the only friend who had supported me when I came out and the only friend who was supportive of me moving to London for the band between her and my Nan I had no one. My whole family had pretty much deserted me; I hadn't seen them in years. "Oli, I'm really sorry but I have some bad news... it's about your Nan." I felt the blood drain from my face and my happy mood evaporate. "She died during the night, the doctor thinks it was pneumonia." I couldn't process this, this could not be happening. "Oli?" she asked. "Yeah, I'm here." I mumbled sounding eerily calm. "The funeral's next Saturday, at her local church. You can stay with me if you need to and you can say a few words too, I mean if you want to." I nodded slowly before remembering she couldn't see it. "Are you sure you should be telling me this?" She chuckled. "Oli your family may be heartless vial fucks but they're not going to stop you from coming. They know how close the two of you were."

We spoke a little longer before I hung up. Josh was watching me wearily. "Love, what's going on?" He asked, he knew something was up. I opened my mouth to speak but instead of words all that came out was a gigantic sob before everything just came crashing down. He pulled me into a hug and I shook violently, sobbing hard onto his shoulder ruining his t-shirt. I just can't believe it... she's gone.  
  


 

Josh pov

It took almost two hours to calm Oli down enough so that he could actually speak and tell me what had happened. He was now sleeping with his head on my lap whilst I comforted him. He'd told me a lot about his Nan and how close they were. I can't imagine how awful it must be losing someone you were so close to like that. She was the only proper family he had left.

He snuffled and rolled over opening his puffy red eyes and smiled weakly up at me. "Hey." He sniffed and I smiled warmly. "Hey beautiful." I said brushing his fringe out of his eyes. "How you feeling?" I asked as I didn't really know what else to say. He shrugged. "Kind of... empty." I squeezed his hand gently and he nuzzled a little at my leg. "Will you come with me?" He asked, his voice cracking slightly. "Come with you where?" I furrowed my eyebrows confused. "The funeral..." He bit his lip a little and I nodded. "If you want me there, I'll come." He nodded vigorously. "Yeah, I'd appreciate the support." I nodded and pressed a light kiss to his forehead. "I think I'm just gonna go to bed." He said before getting up and leaving me in the living room.  
  


I got up and decided to make something to eat. Beans on toast so nothing overly extravagant but it was better than nothing. I brought it in on a tray and he was just lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling. I sat down next to him and gently placed a try on his lap before digging in to my own. He sat up and slowly ate. He didn't say a word and I didn't force him to, I figured he'd speak when he wants to. I washed up the stuff and sat up next to him again, he rested his head on my shoulder and we sat in silence for a while. "Thank you."


	8. The Wake

Josh pov

We stood in the cemetery whilst they lowered the coffin into the ground. Oli stood with his head buried in my shoulder, shaking violently as he sobbed silently. I held him close, wishing I could do more to make him feel better. I was surprised he still had any tears left, he'd spent the past week spontaneously breaking down in hysterical fits. I knew that he had been close to his Nan but I hadn't realised how close.

The only person here who had actually said anything to either of us was Hannah. We were crashing on her floor so I'd gotten to know here pretty well pretty quick and I could see why Oli was friends with her. She was lovely. The rest of his family had either ignored us or sent us death glares. _Seriously? We're at a funeral! They could at least be civil!_

Movement in my peripheral vision caught my intention and my stomach sank. A small collection of fans and guys with cameras and note pads had gathered at the gate to the cemetery. I couldn't help but feel slightly pissed off I mean it's a funeral! Show some respect! I love our fans but you don't show up at a funeral! There are some boundaries. It seemed other people had started to notice them as well resulting in a lot of confused and annoyed looks. The ceremony finished and everyone stood around a few moments conversing and looking at the freshly heaped soil. I ran a soothing hand through Oli's hair and tried to calm my quickly escalating temper as they group continued to wait at the gate. I was close to snapping but then Hannah stalked over there first beating me to it. "What the hell is wrong with you?! This is a funeral! How dare you be so disrespectful showing up like this!" One of the men with cameras started to ask a question but she cut him off. "Don't you even dare! No one is answering any of your questions, posing for your photos or signing anything. We are grieving so let us do so in peace!" The congregation slowly dispersed with a few grumbling and upset looks but no major problems thank god.

There was a small family gathering after at a pub where a few small snacks had been left out as a buffet. Nobody was really eating though. I'd said I was going to drive so the other two could have few drinks, drown their sorrows a little. Probably wasn't my best idea considering how much of a wreck Oli was, lots of sorrow to drowned and he was giving a good go at it too. I noticed a woman and a man in their late fifties glaring at us and muttering between themselves. "Who are they?" I asked Hannah quietly. "His parents." She sighed as I pulled his arm down as he went to reach for his fifth beer in an hour. "Take it easy. Now's not the time to get completely wasted." He stared at me a moment before nodding slowly and resting his head on my shoulder gaining more disgusted looks. 

Some small children ran over then, I hadn't worked out who's they were but they'd been pretending to shoot people around 10 minutes ago. "Hi!" They yelled at us and I smiled. "Uh hey." They grinned and gave me an enthusiastic wave. "Why'd ebryone so sad?" the small girl with pigtails asked. "Because it's a sad occasion." I told her. It was obvious they were too young to really understand what was happening. Oli sniffed on my shoulder and I pressed a light kiss to his temple, earning a few disgusted looks from people watching. "Jessica! Brandon! Over hear now!" One of the glarer's yelled and the two kids looked round to her. "Bye!" they yelled as they rushed off.

I shook my head. "You shouldn't bring kids to a funeral." Hannah said as she watched them. I nodded in agreement as a shrill cold voice came from behind us. "Oliver." She seemed to hiss. We spun around and were faced with his mother. "Mum!" He seemed surprised and a little scared. "What are you doing here?" She glowered and I could totally see why he seemed scared, she looked as though she was about to eat him alive. Literally. "She's my gran, where else would I be?" he said, sounding more annoyed now than scared. "You weren't supposed to know the date." She said turning her glare on Hannah who didn't seem at all fazed. "Well I do so now I'm here to honour my Nan, just leave me in peace. I'm not gonna argue with you."

I could feel the anger starting to radiate from him so I squeezed his hand gently to try and calm him down. She now looked me up and down wrinkling her nose in disgust. "And who are you?" I mimicked her expression. "Josh." I did my best to channel the arctic into my voice as I spoke the word. "And what are you doing here?" She said her voice nasal and prickly and heavily pissed off. "Being a supportive boyfriend." I said wrapping an arm around Oli's waist giving her a look that just dared her to comment. She made a disgusted noise at the back of her throat. "Should have known you'd bring such filth with you." He glared at her as she continued. "I suppose you work in that faggot bar? Or are you part of that stupid band that's never going to go anywhere? Doesn't matter I guess. I got one bit of advice for you, get as far away from that worthless shit as fast as you can. He'll only drag you down and mess things up."   
  


I felt him stiffen next to me as my jaw set in place. _How fucking dare she?!_ "Yeah actually, we met at the bar and no I'm not in his band who are actually very good if you bothered to listen but I'm in my own band and we are doing quite well for ourselves. Quite frankly I think your son is an amazing man and he deserves a lot better than having you for a mother." She seemed taken aback by my remarks but she just shook her head as she walked off muttering under her breath. _What a bitch._


	9. All Alone

Josh pov

"Josh, its tour! We can't delay it!" I sighed down the phone. "I know, I know I just don't know what to do." I admitted watching as Oli slept with his head in my lap. It had been two weeks since the funeral and he still wasn't in a good place. "Look if you're that worried bring him with you!" I bit my lip as I considered. "Maybe... I'll speak with him and then ring you back." I ran a hand through his hair absently. "Okay mate. But seriously, we can't let down the fans." We hung up and I sat quietly a moment, debating what to do. "Josh?" I glanced down and he still had his eyes closed. "You are going on tour." I sighed. "I can't leave you like this." I argued. "I am perfectly capable of looking after myself." He said rolling onto his back and opening his eyes to look up at me. I bit my lip as I looked down at him. "You've been so upset lately I mean I understand it but I don't want you to be left on your own when you're feeling this way." He rolled his eyes. "I don't need a babysitter, I'm a big boy I'm quite capable of dealing with my emotions thanks."

I looked at him doubtfully and he sat up "Josh, you can't put your life on hold for me! I'm capable of being in my own. You forget that I was alone for years before you came along! You NEED to go on tour." I sighed. "Okay, okay! I still don't feel happy leaving you though..." He rolled his eyes. "No, I am not going with you before you even try to suggest it." I chuckled a little. "How'd you know what I was gonna say?" I asked. "I'm psychic." He said dryly making me giggle. _I just hope he's gonna be okay._

 

Oli pov

I went with Josh to the car park where they were getting on their bus and said good bye. I felt okay, he was going on tour it wasn't the end of the world. I drove home and the silence started to press against me so I turned on the radio only to turn it off again soon after. _All shit._  

By the time I got into the flat it was almost defining. I grabbed the first CD I found and put it in the player on full volume only to find Josh's voice blasting out at me. I glanced down to see that it was Hold Me Down and that's when it hit me. He was gone, I was completely alone. I felt my chest tighten as I struggled to breathe and tears began to form in my eyes. _Y_ _ou're all alone just like you deserve to be. You're worthless!_  A voice whispered as I broke down curling up on the floor in a blubbering mess. _All alone._


	10. Breakdown (TRIGGER WARNING)

Oli pov

I walked into the off licence, not the same one as yesterday... or the day before that... or the day before that... you get the picture. I've lost count of the day's since Josh left but I haven't spent one of them sober. You can probably smell the alcohol on me but the bored looking clerk doesn't say anything so I buy the booze and get home without trouble. I'm barely through the door before I crack open a can and drain it quickly. The buzz doesn't last so long anymore so I have to drink more of the stronger stuff. I drop onto the couch and enjoy the numbness.

But it never lasts. The beers soon gone and I'm left feeling as shit as before. I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk but the voices seem to be able to fight through the alcohol now. I'm not sure what else I can do.

 _Of course you don't know what to do!_ They sneer. _Y_ _ou're useless!_  

They're starting to sound suspiciously like Josh and that scares the hell out of me.

_Scared? Ha! You're a cowardly prick aren't you! No wonder he left you!_

"He hasn't left! He's just on tour!" I argue back though I know they're only in my head.

_Yeah, that's what he said but let's be honest why would he ever want YOU! He's got hundreds of guys and GIRLS throwing themselves at him every night. I bet he's fucking a pretty blonde with big tits right now!_

I shake my head with tears forming in my eyes as I take a shaky breath. "He wouldn't do that, he loves me."

_Ha! He doesn't love you, he never loved you! He left you just like your Nan left you. You're all alone like you deserve you waist of skin._

I started to sob properly now. "Just leave me alone."

_You know what to do Oli, you've done it before and it's not like anyone would care if you did it again, no one would care if you died. Just do it!_   
  


I got up and stumbled to the bathroom, shaking like a leaf. I opened up the cupboard and pulled out the razor. Pulling up the sleeve of Josh's large hoody that I'd gotten into the habit of wearing I held it against my wrist. The whole of my wrist and lower arm were already covered in thin slashes and scars from the past few weeks.

_Do it, you deserve the pain._

I gritted my teeth as I brought the cool blade across my skin causing the beads of blood to ooze out and down my arm from the five new slits that littered the already ruined skin. The voices cackled in my head but they were fading and started to sound less Josh like. I grabbed some gauze and covered them before pulling down my sleeve and going to stand up. My head spun weather from the blood loss, booze or the fact I hadn't eaten anything in who knows how long I wasn't sure but it became too much and I tumbled down to the floor hitting my head on the side of the bathtub as I went. I hit the floor and could see stars before I blacked out. The voices still cackling in my head. 


	11. Drugs

Oli pov

I woke up a little dazed on the bathroom floor feeling like shit. My head was pounding and I stumbled into the living room to find it was only 10:30 pm. _Ugh._ I decided to head out once more and ended up in some shady bar. I sat at an empty bar stool and felt kind of relieved that nobody took any notice of me. I order a large of whatever the strongest thing they had in here was and drained it in one, instantly feeling the kick. I'm pretty sure it was vodka.

I didn't bother to count how much I drank, I didn't care I just wanted to feel numb. "You look like you've been through hell." I looked up to see a dark haired guy with dark eyes and a beard. I laughed dryly. "Still there." I said finishing my glass. He smirked and I instantly got the feeling this guy was dodgy. "Well then, I think I got something that could help you..." I followed him out to the back alley of the joint and he pulled out a small packet of weed. "£50 and it's all yours." I raised an eyebrow what makes you think I've got £50 spare to just hand over to you?" He laughed. "I know for a fact Jimmy doesn't allow tabs." I shrugged and dug out my wallet. "I'll give you thirty and I want the papers with It." He chuckled. "You drive a hard bargain, but I'll let you off this time cause I like your style." I handed over the money and he gave me the stuff along with a small sheet of paper. "Here's my number. Gimme a call when you need more."

I quickly decided to head home, though it took a while to work out which way I'd come from. That drink must have been stronger than I originally thought. I finally got home and laid everything out on the coffee table. I rolled some up, not really sure if I was doing it right and lit it. I took a deep drag and waited for the pain to be taken away.  
  


 

Josh pov

I checked my phone for what felt like the hundredth time this morning. I'd text Oli every morning this tour just to see how he was doing, and nothing. No reply to any of them, I was really starting to worry. The others kept telling me I was just being paranoid and I kept trying to convince myself that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for the silence but I couldn't escape the feeling something bad had happened. I sent yet another text to Hannah to see if she'd heard anything and I got the same reply as I always did _No. Stop worrying so much he's a big boy & he'll be ok._ I sighed and threw the phone to the bottom of my bunk and covered my eyes with my arms. What if he's not okay?


	12. Coming Home

Josh pov

Tour finished and I dropped off my stuff at mine and Max's flat before heading straight over to Oli's. I knocked on the door only to get no answer so I had to use my spare key to open it instead. The first thing that hit me was the stench, it was a strong mix of weed and alcohol and it burned my nose a little. I glanced around to see Oli laying spread eagle on the floor in his pants and one of my hoodies giggling like a maniac. I slowly made my way over to him "Oliver?" His head lolled towards me and he stared for a moment before his face lit up. "Joshie! Where did you come from?"

"I just got back from tour. I did text you." I tried to keep calm, there was no point trying to get any sense out of him in this state. He seemed to be thinking hard. "I don't know where my phone is." He admitted. "I think the sofa ate it." I just nodded. "You stink Oliver. When was the last time you showered?" He giggled again. "Noooo you stink." Maybe it will be better for him to sleep it off. "Come on, I think you need to go to bed." He nodded along with me. "I can't get up." He told me and I raised an eyebrow. "Why not?" He pouted before flailing an arm in the direction of the kitchen. "The cloud unicorn stole my legs and replaced them with marshmallows." I sighed and lifted him up. He was really light and quite bony which worried me a little. _Has he not been eating?_

"Weee." He giggled happily as I carried him to the bedroom and dropped him on the bed before tucking him under the covers like a small child. "Goodnight Oliver." I went to leave but he grabbed a hold of my wrist. "Please stay." He looked vulnerable and scared which broke my heart a little, I couldn't leave him like this. I sat down on top of the covers next to him and he wriggled over so he could put his head in my lap. We sat in silence for a moment before he asked "am I in trouble Joshie?" I ran my hand through his hair absently. "What makes you say that?" I felt him shrug a little. "You keep calling me Oliver. You never call me Oliver." I smiled softly. "Not at the minute you're not." He seemed to think about that for a minute before shrugging. "'kay."

I sat stroking his hair whilst he told me a bunch of random shit about unicorn princes and mushroom rain until he passed out. He's definitely got more than just weed in his system. I sat there a little longer unsure of what to do until he fidgeted slightly and I saw his arms. My eyes grew wide and my stomach dropped as I gently examined his inner arms which were completely covered in scars and cuts. Why would he do this?!

I slipped out into the kitchen and could feel myself shaking as I struggled to breathe. I couldn't understand what could have happened but I felt completely responsible. _I knew I shouldn't have left him!_  I went into the living room and collected up the various bags of drugs and raided the house of all alcohol, piling it up on the kitchen table before going to the bathroom and opening up the cupboard to find five blades. I checked all the other rooms for anything but couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. _At least he's not hiding things..._

I decided to check in the bedroom once he was up as he looked like he hadn't slept in a while. I washed away the drugs and alcohol down the sink and bagged up the blades so I could get rid of them later before dropping into a seat on the sofa only to find myself sat on Oli's phone which was dead. I used my mobile to call Hannah and let her know what had happened and she couldn't stop apologising for not checking he was okay. I didn't blame her, I just felt more than a little numb. I grabbed the bag of blades before heading out to my car and going for a drive. I didn't really know where I was going but I had to get rid of them.


	13. Recovery

Oli pov

I woke up with a splitting headache and a wave of nausea. I ran to the bathroom and puked up my body weight in alcohol and whatever was left of my stomach lining, probably a lung as well, before stumbling out to the kitchen. _I needed a drink._ I stopped in the doorway and had to shove my palms into my eye's, it seemed my hallucinations were getting worse. I was seeing things now. I blinked a few times but still couldn't clear it. "Josh?" I asked, fully aware that I was likely just talking to thin air. "Hey Oliver." He was staring out to the distance and seemed tired and defeated. "Coffee?" He asked finally turning to look at me. "Uh 'kay."

I sat down opposite whilst he got up and made a coffee for me. I was starting to feel a little on edge though I wasn't sure why. "How are you feeling?" He asked. "Uh, fine." He raised an eyebrow as he put the coffee down in front and sat down. "When did you get back?" I asked causing him to frown. "Last night. We did speak, don't you remember?" My eyes grew wide. "I... uh." _Fuck._ He shook his head. "I'm not surprised." He looked at me with a grim expression and my heart sank.

I hadn't given much thought to Josh getting back. I hadn't given much thought to anything to be honest. I hadn't had a clear head long enough to think, I was starting to regret that now. Sitting here in front of Josh's disappointed expression. "You even gonna try and give me some bullshit excuse?" and I just broke down.

 

 

Josh pov

I sat and watched as the tears streaked his face. I wanted to hug him and tell him everything would be okay but I couldn’t, I needed to know the full extent of what was going on here. “I’m sorry.” He finally choked out and I rolled my eyes. “I don’t want you to tell me you're sorry, I want you to tell me what the fuck caused all this. What's going on with you Ols?” He looked up to me with scared eyes, before nodding and taking a deep breath. “Well…”

 

*

 

I sat on the sofa whilst Oli dosed with his head in my lap. He kept coming over in hot and cold sweats and he’d thrown up a few times. Withdrawal symptoms maybe? I still couldn’t get over what he’d told me, he’d been hearing voices. I needed to get him some help… therapy maybe? I know he wouldn't go to rehab; he wouldn't be able to stick the religious element. He whimpered softly as he slept and I sighed before texting Hannah and seeing what she thought.

 

 

Oli pov

“Counselling?” I asked in disbelief. “Yes Oli counselling. Please just try it. It was either that or rehab I know how you feel about all that religious bullshit.” I sighed. “Fine, I'll go for one session and see how it goes.” He nodded slowly. “Fine. But you better take it seriously and give it a fair go. We don't know how else to help you!” I raised an eyebrow. “We?” He nodded. “Hannah and I.” I groaned. “Why’d you have to get her involved in this?” He gave an exasperated sigh. “Because she’s your friend and she’s worried about you! What else was I supposed to do? I needed someone to help me figure out all this.” I nodded and pulled him into a hug. I so don't deserve him. “Just let me help you Oli. You wouldn’t before then I went on tour and this happened.” I cut him off mid rant. “This isn't your fault.” I told him. “You said all this started when I left.” He pointed out. “well yeah but you can’t blame yourself. I was in a bad way anyway ‘cause of nan.” He bit his lip but shrugged. “That’s really not the point. Just please let me help, I want to be here for you.” I nodded. “Okay I’ll go to counselling.” He relaxed a little and pressed a light kiss to my cheek. “Good. I love you.” How that could be true after all that had happened I don’t know. “I love you too.” 


	14. Therapy

Oli pov

“So why are you here?” The psychiatrist asked. “Because I’ve been depressed since my Nan died and I hear voices.” She smiled. “Those are your symptoms yes but that’s not what I'm asking. What I mean is what is your incentive? What is it that’s caused you to seek help?” Well that was easy “I’m here for Josh. So I can get better for him and stop him worrying. I can’t have him put his whole life on hold and basically throw away his career because of me.” She nodded, making a few notes. “And what’s Josh to you?” She quirked an eyebrow, her pen poised and ready. I smiled softly. “He’s my whole world.”

 

Josh pov

I sat in the waiting room for the duration of the session, bouncing my knee nervously. I kept getting sideways glances from a young lad of about sixteen and there was a woman in her late thirties, early forties who kept mumbling loudly. I glanced up at the clock willing time to go faster, I was feeling really uncomfortable and had to keep reminding myself I was here for Oli.

He eventually came out with the psychiatrist and she was smiling and telling him she’d see him next week. _That’s a good sign right?_ I stood up and he smiled at me, taking my hand. “So how’d it go?” I asked as we reached the car. He shrugged. “It was okay I guess. She just asked me a fuck tonne of questions and then gave me homework.” He pulled a face and I chuckled. “What kind of homework?” I asked. “I’m supposed to write a list of all the good things in my life.” I nodded. _That can’t be too difficult surely?_ “So are you gonna go back?” I asked as I started the car. “Maybe…”

 

_*2 months later*_

 

Oli sat on the couch scribbling enthusiastically. I placed two coffees down on the table and he glanced up at me smiling gratefully before going back to his notebook. “Is that for your next session?” I was amazed at how he’d taken to counselling, he never spoke much about the sessions and I respected that but whatever they did it certainly worked. He’d been so much better the last few weeks. He shook his head. “Lyrics.” He didn’t bother looking up from his page. “I didn’t realise you were writing again.” He nodded. “Yeah, it helps put everything into perspective. I just need to get it out there ya know?” I nodded and pressed a kiss to his temple. He lent into me and rested his head on my shoulder. “Hey Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“After the next session I’m not going back.”

 

“Okay.” I’d agreed when he started that as long as he made genuine effort I wouldn’t complain when he felt he wanted to quite. “No, I mean I don’t NEED to go back. I’ve been given the all clear.” He said tapping his head brightly. I grinned and kissed his lips “I’m proud of you.”


	15. Wembley

Josh pov

_This is sempiternal,_

_Will we ever see the end?_

_This is sempiternal_

_Over and over again and again._

I smiled as I watched from the back of the crowded room. He’s back and better than ever. “They’ve sure got talent!” Graham yelled over the noise and I nodded along. “They’re going places.” He said as he pulled out his phone and made a call. “Hello?” He yelled. “Yeah, look just get a listen of this.” He pointed the phone speaker towards the stage for the rest of the song. “Yeah, yes exactly!” He disappeared out the back to continue the conversation.

They finished their set and the crowd slowly dispersed. “You guys fucking killed it!” I exclaimed as I was pulled into a hug. “Think so?” Oli asked. “I know so.” I told him. He’d been nervous about the first show back after everything. “The new ones went down well.” He broke out in a grin. “I know right! We got quite a few pits going!” Graham’s voice sounded behind me making us both jump. “You certainly made quite an impression.” Oli continued to smile; I’d warned him Graham was coming. “Thanks.” Graham scribbled something down on a scrap of paper. “Drop by Monday and we’ll discuss your contract.”

 

 

*

 

Oli pov

 

“Wembley?” I asked in disbelief. Graham simply nodded. “That’s fucking nuts!” Lee exclaimed from his seat next to me. We’d been with the label a month and we’d already recorded a full length album which was due for release next week, done interviews with everyone you could imagine: Kerrang!, Metal Hammer, Alternative Press, Rock Sound everyone wanted a piece of us. Oh and our first gig… supporting You Me At Six at fucking Wembley arena! ‘Fucking nuts’ doesn’t quite cover it.


	16. Nervous

Oli pov

Today we are playing Wembley arena. Nervous doesn’t even begin to cover how I’m feeling right now. Josh keeps telling me I’ll be fine and I keep trying to tell myself that too but it doesn’t help. Nothing seems to, I’ve tried all the different techniques I learned during my counselling sessions but they don’t do anything to fight the niggling voice constantly at the edge of my consciousness. 

_He’s lying Oli. You’re right to be nervous you pathetic waste of skin. You’re gonna fuck up just like you always do then you’ll have blown your big chance. The band will be dropped, no one will want to know you and you’ll just end up alone like you deserve._

I did my best to ignore it.

After sound check it was just a case of hanging around and waiting. Josh and I were the only ones in the You Me At Six dressing room and I was pacing nervously by the side of the sofa whilst he sat playing Fifa. He paused the game and grabbed my arms, dragging me over the arm of the sofa so I was perched precariously in his lap. “Relax Oliver!” He cried before pulling me into a rough, quick kiss. “You are going to be brilliant. There is absolutely nothing to worry about. You’ve done loads of live show before and people always love it, look how well your album’s done! So many people want to hear you guys, you always go out there and kick arse so this isn’t gonna be any different.” He pulled me into another kiss, slower and more passionate this time. “I love you.” He mumbled against my lips as I smiled. “Not as much as I love you.” 

_He’s lying Oli, he doesn’t love you. He never has! Who would?!_

I resisted the urge to yell at it to fuck off. Josh loved me, I knew that. It was the only thing I’d ever been sure of.

He pushed my back so that I was laying back against the sofa cushions with him on top. His bony hips pressing into my own. He deepened the kiss as I ran my hands down his hips. “Oh jeez, guys! Can you not. We all have to use this room.” I chuckled as Josh pulled back and Sat up. “You think that’s bad.” Max’s voice sounded from the hallway. “I have to fucking live with it.”


	17. The End (TRIGGER WARNING)

Oli pov

We had twenty minutes until we were due on stage and I was a wreck. I felt so sick from both nerves and the fact that I hadn’t eaten all day, I was too nervous to eat. The voices were getting too loud to ignore, they were feeding off of my nerves it seemed. 

_Fuck up! Fuck up! You’re gonna fuck up you useless shit. Just do it, no one will care. You deserve it._

I locked myself in the bathroom and took a deep breath; I had to make them stop. I grabbed my phone and pulled off the case, hidden inside was a thin, shiny blade. _Just in case._ I held the cool metal against my skin and took a deep breath before pushing hard as I slid it across my skin. The blood began to bead up at the fresh incision as I continued to slice at my arm, one cut for each song in the set that I seemed to be destine to destroy. “Yo Oli! What are you doing in there man? We’re due onstage now.” Jordan’s voice floated through the door to me. “Coming!” I yelled back as I pulled down my sleeve covering my arm, no one would see them from the stage.

 

Josh pov

I got off stage feeling pumped; the show had been mental with the fans screaming practically every word to every song. The Bring Me The Horizon guys had done an excellent set too making the night a total success, I was so proud of them.

The second we were in the dressing room I pulled Oli into a hug. He looked quite pale, nerves maybe? After all this was the biggest show they’d ever done. “You okay Ols?” He nodded. “Just feeling a little tired.” He mumbled. I knew he was lying, something wasn’t right. “I’m just gonna go to the toilet.” He said as he headed to the bathroom. He barely made it two steps before his legs gave way and he tumbled to the floor. “Oli!” I cried as I lurched forward, he was out cold.

 

Oli pov

Coming too after passing out is always an odd experience. Your senses seem to wake up one at a time giving you the feeling that you’re coming to the end of a tunnel and for a split second you’re unsure of everything you experiences up until that point was a dream or reality. More often than not the first thing you hear is someone questioning your state of being; in my case I could hear Lee’s voice. “Is he dead?” Followed by Dan suggesting “someone poke him with a stick.” Before Josh told them both to “shut the fuck up.”

I groaned as I opened my eyes, the sudden rush of light causing me to squint. Josh’s warm brown eye’s the first thing to come into focus. I blinked a few times as he brushed my fringe out of my eyes. “Hey there sleeping beauty.” He mumbled as I smiled weakly. He squeezed my hand gently but that’s when he noticed my sleeve. The black cotton even darker where it was soaked in blood. His eyes widened momentarily before he mumbled “let’s get you to the bathroom.”

He wrapped his arm around my waste and helped me up before supporting me the entire way to the bathroom. He sat me down on the toilet lid and I leant against the wall still feeling a little woozy. “Wait here a second.” He said before disappearing out the door. He quickly returned with a first aid kit, though I’m not sure where he got it from. “Roll up your sleeve.” He ordered as he wadded up some toilet paper and held it briefly under the faucet.

We both stayed silent as he cleaned up my arm with the damp tissue before retrieving some gauze from the first aid box along with an antiseptic wipe. He used the wipe first causing me to hiss, it stung like a motherfucker. “Big baby.” He muttered as a ghost of a smile formed on his lips and he wrapped up my arm using the gauze. “I’m sorry.” I finally said, a single tear sliding down my cheek. I wasn’t sure what else to say. “Don’t apologise Oli, we both knew this could happen.” He shook his head and I sighed. “You should just leave. Go find someone normal who deserves you rather than wasting your time on a fuck up like me.” He took a firm grip of my hands. “Hey!” The serious tone to his voice caught my attention. “Stop moping around and feeling sorry for yourself. So you relapsed, it’s not the end of the world. Okay so I wish you’d spoken to me before it got this bad but we knew this wasn’t gonna be easy and that this was a very real possibility. We’ll get through it.” I blinked slightly in disbelief. “I love you Oli. I’m not gonna leave you just because you’ve got a problem.” I leant forward and pulled him into a hug. “You have no idea how much this means to me.” I whispered “I think I have an idea.” I shook my head and buried it in his shoulder. “I love you so much.” I felt his hand run through my hair “Good because I’m not going anywhere.” 


End file.
